Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
May never get over this
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”