Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
True?
Not messing around
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?