Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
#winning
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Cake!!
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”