Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Your honor these allegations are
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
@ candidates for local office
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground