Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Yep.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.