Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.