@Kelly_skeleton: Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
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@MunkMania: I like men in uniform, but sometimes it's hard to flirt when they're handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
@Cheeseboy22: One of the World's Strongest Man events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."
@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.