If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao