ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?