Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
haha same
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.