Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
not seeing the problem
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My blood type is b hungry.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*puts cutlery down*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup