@shariv67: Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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@Brampersandon_: [pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
@WhaJoTalkinBout: When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians* When walking: *shakes fist at motorists* When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again