Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me