Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
You Might Also Like
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.