Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Passwords are more important than ever.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wait for it
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.