@TheJamieLee: Whenever someone says they hate cats and they're all shitty and snobby about it, I'm like, "Weird cuz you behave JUST like one."
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@Breadery: *Approaches girl at bar* Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes! Me: You have lovely hairy eyes Brain: My bad.
@WilliamAder: Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
@mzeld: The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.