All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late