@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
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@ArfMeasures: Me: I got the birthday cake for our son Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh Me: oh shit he's gonna be 4 isn't he Wife: His name is Jake
@JessObsess: I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
@frogshack: I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
@krisv_723: Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg. Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.