If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m giving up for Lent.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too