@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
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@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
@ninatreemonkey: Equally cool alternatives to air guitar: Air slap bass Air harmonica Silent pig auctions Balloons hitting people The letter Q
@tastefactory: Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
@thejamietighe: *turns off life support* *waits* *turns it back on* Me: How's she now? Him: Are you sure you're a doctor? Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.