@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
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@WetzelGeek: I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year