[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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#JohnTravolta
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
i actually laughed 😩
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.