Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
These aliens are taking forever.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Breaking news:
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine