Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event