I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Ken is short for chicken
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Finally
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick