@WilliamAder: Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that's Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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@maxlavergne: your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
@tarashoe: ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
@Wakenbake77: Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes
@ohpeetie: - "Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?" - "I'm going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too"