Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard