Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Otters see a butterfly.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT