Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show