NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?