Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
There is wisdom there.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back