@RealDMK: Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I'm not too fond of Literacy
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@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
@Gooooats: Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
@ibid78: [sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]