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“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I am all good here, 😂😉
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.