whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.