whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
we all know this pain all too well
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more