@kendracomedy: Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper "I'm seeing someone"
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@moose_chocolate: Autocorrect changed "you're so wise" to "you're so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
@underfleeker: [LUNCH INTERVIEW] "Our office attire is formal, is that ok?" *I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog* Sure.
@PashSara: 5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic? Me: yep 5:right now? Me:sure 5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream! Me: sonofa...
@Th3BadGuy__: I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia.