@OfficeofSteve: Whenever the wife asks what I'm eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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@flashember: DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again! *daughter dish starts sobbing* [outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
@kelkulus: The Russian version of "How I Met Your Mother" is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
@Ali_Kourani: “Are you sexually active?” [Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.] “Yes.”
@everygirI: boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can't show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago