Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Dishonest mechanic?