Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
They did not think through this water fountain
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser