@chris_isloi: Whenever two people argue over something, yell out "OBJECTION" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.
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@claire_mudie: My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
@gerryhallcomedy: Cop: Sir, you can't use hand-held communication devices while driving Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
@SteveSackington: My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder