Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you