@KKAlThani: Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.
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@aardvarsk: my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
@kate_smithxx: I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
@daemonic3: [getting urine test results] You've tested positive for opiates- ME: probably the bagel I had -and THC, cocaine, steroids, and also you're pregnant ME: it was an everything bagel
@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.