My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”