do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Life cycle of cat
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.