Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”