Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge