@weinerdog4life: Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
@JillBidenVeep: Barack: Sign here, and here Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents? Barack: No, Joe
@Marshalchisomcu: if you watch Titanic from d back; it's about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
@hippieswordfish: *she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*