@weinerdog4life: Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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@aspiringtoucan: ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office BOSS: no dogs ME: [about to hand over my dog's resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
@justabloodygame: "I didn't choose the thug life." I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
@brennadine: "NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.
@ShawnIzadi: Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.