@myles_morrison: Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."
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@_ElvishPresley_: [Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*
@QuotingJokes: I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.
@PwrFulWmn: You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.