boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?