[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“That’s what” – She
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: