Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Seems kinda suspicious
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*