@MiaPinchoff: #WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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@DropsNoPanties: Can't. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies. Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
@Brianhopecomedy: "Hi, I'd like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please." "$3.23." "Oh, and a bottle of water." "$87.54. Please drive thru."
@catstronomical: Him: don't say anything embarrassing Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
@Sickayduh: ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?