#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
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Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down鈥ven if you feel the friendship has run its course.鈦b仯
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I鈥檓 convinced that my soulmate is pizza
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren鈥檛 the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you鈥檙e a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was