#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die