In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks