#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Bootstraps
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.