@neiltyson: #WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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@pbear79: A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date.. Long story short, picking her up at 7.
@pinupteacher: [Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid.
@FilthyRichmond: Pregnant women go through a "nesting" phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they've killed.
@djdarrellripley: I'm the kindest, sweetest person you'll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I'd probably throw in my laundry.