#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started