Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
bought wrong eggs
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
When he asks for feet pics
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.