What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
😂😂😂
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”