Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Am I having a stroke?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry